It feels a bit surreal that we left Urraco Pueblo and are now sitting with the rest of our squad in a beach town in El Salvador. Multiple times I have looked over at my friend Liz and asked “can you believe we are here?” I truly never thought we would leave.
These two weeks in El Salvador are a time for our squad to come together to “de-brief” our last two months. A chance to air out all the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s a time to rest until we hit the ground running with our next ministry in Nicaragua.
De-briefing is hard. There was a lot that happened throughout the last two months that needed to be unpacked. The things we knew God was working in, things we didn’t quite understand, things that made us angry, and the idea that we may never see what comes from the seeds we planted in Honduras.
As we sat around a circle with our leadership day 1 of de-brief, I couldn’t help but find myself speechless about how I felt about Urraco. So, I will unpack it for you all right now (lucky you).
The race is hard, but not in the ways I thought it would be. My idea of the hard things would be the tiring ministry we would forge in, the loss of our comforts from home, and figuring out how I would survive as a vegetarian in cultures where they chuck chickens from their backyard.
Turns out, those were actually the easiest parts of the race so far. Ministry days were fun and filling, we figured out bucket showers and pila water real quick, and every where has an ample amount of rice and beans.
The hardest thing seemed to be my own internal conversations with the Lord mixed with learning how to live with 7 perfect stangers.
You don’t realize how much you surround yourself with people, things, and environments that cater to the ways of life you find easy to be around. I certainly didn’t.
Not that this is entirely a bad thing, but in a world where you can essentially choose the things that shape you- most often we pick the things that will increase our comfortability, but not necessarily our character.
In the race, you have no option but to sharpen that character of yours (yippieeee)!
The body of Christ is a beautiful masterpiece the Lord created for us. How incredible that we get to shoulder certain responsbilites and delegate others based upon the gifts God molded into each person. The body is beautiful, humans are difficult. The two mixed make community both entirely necessary and wholly arduous.
That is why it’s called “dying” to self.
I am forever learning to live with the ultimate juxaposition that something can be hard AND the correct thing simultaneously. It feels hard for my flesh and my selfish intentions which often scream for me to abort the practice of putting others before myself. Often, the narrative of this world bleeds into my thinking that my way is ultimate and loving others has a vast amount of stipulations.
Then I am reminded of Jesus. He who died for the very person nailing him to the cross. And I realize the biggest lies we tell ourselves about loving others is that it can be void of sacrafice.
True, authentic, flesh-fighting, and seeminlgy unfair sacrafice.
Tough for the flesh to take, but a life-line for your soul. We are made for love. We are made to love. And we are made from Love.
The art of love and community will undoubtedly take a life time to figure out. Lucky for us, the bible lays it all out for us and even gives us the most extraordinary example we should follow. All in all, I am thankful where my feet are and that I get to love the humans around me. Community is hard, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Thankful for a God who cares more for my soul than my comfortability. With each passing day, in leaning into the tough things, I can hopefully begin to understand in more depths how to love like Christ.
Breath of fresh air with a swift kick in the teeth!!! Thank you sweet Amanda for your words of love and encouragement!!!
My sweet baby girl..I am awed by your writings. You are truly special. I love you and so thankful that you are in my life. ???? Gran
Hey Sweet Amanda! You are a truly gifted writer. I love the authenticity, all you have said is not easy. I’m do proud of you for choosing into the hard. You will look more and more like HIM! We loved seeing you in El Salvador. Praying for you always and love you so much!
You have unpacked so many deep profound gold nuggets about self, character, love, sacrifice and community. Looking forward to catching up on your past entries and the truths that the Lord shares with you moving forward. Praying for you and your squad.
Beautifully written! Proud of you!
This is so good. I appreciate your courage in transparency and you willingness to continuously die to yourself to come out more refined and sanctified and looking more like Jesus!!