There is a quote by one of my favorite authors that reads:

"You can love someone so much... but you can never love people as much as you can miss them." - John Greene

This is a quote you can't understand until you have experienced it. There is a special way of suffering reserved for the grief that comes from losing someone who is still alive.

Relationships, and specifically those that lead you into heartbreak, are the kinds of conversations you will inevitably run into while living in a home with five single girls in their mid-twenties. Unfortunately and fortunately, heartbreak is a chapter in all of our stories that has been more of a bonding experience than the last six months combined.

All of us are grown, intelligent, and God-fearing women; yet nothing will show you the follies of a heart more than love that was lost.

Yes, I believe I've been in a form of love- up to interpretation outside of marriage. However, marriage or no marriage; there is a tethering of souls the more you share your heart with someone. However, for the sake of his heart (and mine) I will tiptoe around the details of that specific heartache and tell you more of my aftermath question for the purpose of this blog.

Where does the love go?

As we reminiscenced on our past, we all ran into the very intriguing reality that maybe hearts never fully recover from the impact of those that once had the priviledge of being its caretaker. Begging the question, will the love always linger? If not, where does it go?

Much to our dismay, we never came to a definite answer and rather ran circles around the conclusion that love, once present, is quite permenant. A terrifying thought at first- that some things may never leave you. Instead of finding a way to forget, we decided to set our minds upon remembering the ways that their love shaped us into who we are today.

Luckily for me, the love I shared built me well. He taught me that your best friend and your partner can live in one human, music has a specific bonding power, and that I had the capacity to love in an unconditional manner. And while our lives did not quite match up, he carries a framework for my heart that someone will reap the benefits of one day.

While heartbreaks are just that- a painful breaking of the most fragile thing we possess; in my experience, it was always worth it. While my heartbreak was tough, its also the place where God met me in the most tender of ways. And if my struggle brought me closer to God in the end, then it is well worth it.

Its an ever-mingling juxaposition to find myself both a logical realist and hopeless romantic. The fight between the Willoughbys and Sir Brandons of this world. Searching for the heartbeat of poets, yet rising to the sacrifical love of Jesus. It is easy to fall into the spell of soulmates, emotional love rollercoasters, and all-consuming affairs. But true love stands in the seam of character, covenant, and choice. Less attractive, but more fitting for our souls.

So, maybe the tough reality is that the love doesn't go very far. You might just remember them as the person who was hard to let go of. But lets not settle to believe that it is always a negative thing to feel that. We serve a God who built us as relational beings, and while those hard things may linger- they are proof that love was strong enough to affect you. To me, thats a good thing. Stay in the reality that caring for another human is a good thing, even if its a hard thing. That their purpose in your life built you into who you are and then pray that they live a life that honors the love God reveals to us everyday.

While I think about him often, and pray for him more; God has healed me in ways I never thought possible and covered up the hurt with immense gratitude. For that, I am grateful. 

For those who are older and wiser than I am- maybe you have a better answer to where the love goes? I would love to know...